In need of... Something

I've been feeling the need to write something profound but so far... 

I have no inspiration. 

I want to draw something amazing but so far...

I want to do something... Anything. 

I'm in a slump. I know it's partly from a lack of exercise and eating junky but also I need a hobby. I spend my day keeping house, and being a wife and mom. 

I'd really like someone to tell me what my hobby is. Anyone? Didn't think so, you need friends for something like that. Wow loser post. Try again next time.

It's been a long day.

Routine: is it really that important?

It really is. I thrive on routine and structure. Pregnancy and childbirth ripped that away. The hormone flux, the weight changes, then add a needy newborn. Don't get me wrong I love my baby boy and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but I'm exhausted. Parenthood is hard. For some reason growing up you're never told that being mom is work! Not only am I house keeper, maid, book keeper, cook, driver, now I'm mom too. I used to be great at keeping up with the housework and the cooking and whatnot. Lately though. I'm lucky to take a shower and get dressed.

Fortunately for now it seems the hardest part has eased and 5 months later I'm able to grasp at a little tiny bit of order. I'm so looking forward to getting back into a daily routine and taking back control of my life. I miss me! I'm looking forward to meeting myself again. 

Here's to tomorrow and completing my to do list.

For the love of a dog

Meeko meeting Tagg on his first day home from the hospital

It always amazes me the amount of love that can come from a dog. They are amazing animals. They seem to always love you no matter how long they've been cooped up or left alone. Yes, sometimes I'm a bad dog mommy. I'm more of a cat person, always have been. Cats love to lounge and eat and sleep. My favorite things. My husband isn't a fan of indoor animals so no indoor cats for me. We do have barn cats of course. Anyway back to the dogs. A few years ago a friend asked us to keep her dog while she was here going to school. At one point it looked like she was going to take her dog back and I suddenly was feeling lost. I didn't want him to go. So I begged and pleaded my husband to find me a puppy, me, the cat lady. So he did and now we have two amazing dogs. She still hasn't come back for her dog and we've decided he's ours. Ok it sorta sounds like we've stolen him but after 3 years and she no longer buys his food and has moved 3 hours away, yeah the dog is ours.

I love having them around. I'm looking forward to my children playing with the dogs. Ill never have to worry about them, the children, finding snakes because the dogs will be around. They are amazingly protective and have already kept me away from a snake. Rebel, our older dog, will use his body and shield me from whatever he decides is too dangerous for me. Sometimes he gets underfoot, but it's the thought that counts. 

Everyday I take Tagg out to play with his animals. He loves them. He giggles and squeals  and grabs their ears. Fortunately we have the most patient animals and none have growled or snapped at him. I love watching him connect with his pets. I just know his dogs will be his best buddies.

Milk a goat

At some point in high school my parents decided we need a milk goat. Sure great idea. Oh boy I hated to milk that goat. Every morning really early I had to get up, in the cold and milk the stupid stinky goat. I whined about it everyday. Now that I'm grown, married, and in charge of grocery shopping, I decided we needed a milk goat too. And you know what? I love it! 

The milk is easier on my stomach and my baby's too. He seems to get real colicky when I drink cows milk.

Yes she stinks and early winter mornings are no fun but she's become part of the family. We also have one of her kids from her last batch. She's now two and, cross your fingers, pregnant. We're working on drying up sweetheart, the milking nanny, so that when belle drops her baby's we can switch milkers and breed sweetheart again. It's been a strange experience drying her up. I suddenly have half as much milk and have to buy a gallon from my parents. The taste is so different. It's amazing the difference location and feed will have on milk. 

We've recently started letting the girls out to graze the weeds down, not recommended if you're actually drinking the milk, weeds give it a.. weedy taste. It's been funny to watch them wander the yard and follow my husband and I around. I've always teased my husband that his horses are big puppy's. Now we have two more. They even wag their tails and rub up against you for some loving. 

We also let the baby play with them. He loves animals and just laughs when he's near them. Hopefully growing up with animals and chores he won't hate it as much as I did.

A few of my favorite things

Julie Andrews and The Sound of Music comes to mind right?

My favorite things aren't quite so poetic or musical but just as wonderful.

My rocking chair. - I spend a large portion of my day in this chair. I love how comfortable it is.

Hearing my husband pull into the driveway. - After spending the day being mom it's nice to have daddy come home so I can relax and find me again.

Feeding my baby. - Breastfeeding has become a huge part of my life. And such a wonderful part at that. I love the bonding and closeness. I'm so grateful it has been such an easy journey for me. 

Holding my baby. - He is the bright spot in my world. Motherhood is amazing. 

An exercise in futility

Breastfeeding, ever done it? Rough stuff. First there is the initial mind numbing pain of getting the baby to latch, then the next two weeks of sore nipples, cracking, blistering, and the bleeding, oh the bleeding. After week 3 it is sweet bliss, the baby latches well and is gaining weight. Bonus side effect momma is dropping weight like she has a tape worm. And then momma discovers she's starving. So she eats like it's her last meal. All. day. long. Now it's time to exercise.

 And then feed the baby again, and then eat again. How do you balance the hunger with the needed calories to upkeep healthy nursing baby and still drop the rest of the baby weight? It's a question that remains unanswered. 

All I can do is take it one day at a time, one walk at a time, one... oh is that a donut?! 

Sweet summer time

I am loving summer this year. It's always my favorite time of year by far, but this year it has been awesome. I have been able to spend the warm days gardening, camping, and plenty of swimming. 

All of this has been accomplished with my favorite new guy by my side. I love experiencing motherhood and learning how to do all my normal things all over again. 

The best parts of motherhood: 

Seeing my sweet baby smile

Hearing him giggle at his daddy

Snuggling him to sleep

Watching him discover new things

Knowing someday soon he'll learn to say, Momma

Parenting advice

What so you do when someone; a close friend, in law, random stranger, offers you unsolicited parenting advice and it makes you feel like dirt? Of course there is the "take it with a grain of salt" method, but until you figure out how to deal, what do you do when they make snide remarks about your mistakes and learning experiences? 

It's a frustrating world we live in. Filters are gone and people just say what they think. Sure honesty is a valued trait but rudeness is not. 

I understand others have been there done that, with their own children, but this is my child, my parenting experience, my mistakes, my time to learn. I need to find a way to kindly say, "thanks for the advise but I'm going to try it my way. You can keep your opinions on parenting to yourself and your partner. In good going my thing." Right now it just comes out, back off jerk you don't know me!"

Maybe I have issues... We'll discuss that another time.

It's ok to ask for help

Babies are sweet, and wonderful, and tiring, and pure joy, and exhausting. They are so much in such a tiny fragile package.

 I've always loved babies, since the day I had my first baby doll. Loved to rock them and feed them and be the mommy. As I grew older dolls faded out and were replaced by real babies. Cousins and friends and soon neighbors. I loved babysitting. I always thought, (still do) I want babies of my own! I thought this mom thing is easy you feed them and they sleep. Then you change a diaper or two and they sleep some more. But they don't. Some babies, like my sweet boy, fight sleep for some unknown reason. They need to be rocked and rocked and rocked and held and driven in the car and then they sleep. Bubbas likes to be held while he sleeps. Week one, not a problem. Weeks two thru five; problem. Now that my body is healing faster and I'm starting to feel normal (ish) I want to be doing my thing. Gardening, riding my horses, cleaning house, cooking dinner every day. These are things that don't happen, not without help. Earlier I talked about postpartum blues, ok lets face it, depression. The hardest part was admitting that I needed more help than just my husband. Husbands are great, mine might be the best, but they go to work all day and have to sleep so they can be productive at work. Coming home to a crying baby, and some days momma, isn't their dream. I know my husband loves to come home to a clean home, smiling wife, and usually some form of food. When the blues hit and things stop functioning he has to pick up the slack, or does he? There is someone else that can help. A friend, neighbor, sister in law, mom, and in my case, my mother in law. I'm fortunate to have my mom here in town with me, but she works a 45 hour week. She's good for telling me it will be ok but she isn't able to come rock the not sleeping baby while I shower and put on clean clothes. My mother in law lives 2 hours away, and she doesn't work for a living. Not that she does nothing, she's a housewife, and in my mind just as important and should be taken as a real job. Luckily her job allows her to come visit, scratch that, save me, during the week while my husband works. I melted down Monday to my husband saying over and over I can't do this alone I need help. Finally he got the hint and said I'll call my mom and see if she can come over. The next morning I had help and order was soon restored. I didn't want to admit it, out loud that I wanted someone to help or that I truly needed it. You know what though, I didn't have to do it alone or tough it out. For some reason I always think I should. So here's my list of things I need to do:

Admit that I'm not Wonder Woman. Sure I can do a lot, but I can't do it all. 

Ask for help. And often. It's ok to ask and usually people want to help. 

Let go of perfection. So the house is a little messy, or we're having peanut butter and jelly for dinner, again, the baby is healthy and loved.

Try again tomorrow. That's the beauty of tomorrow there is always another. Sure one day there won't but today, I'm counting on tomorrow. 

Take care of me. I have to be functioning to take care of my baby boy. He can't do it without me and I can't do it without me. 

So I asked for help, and you know what? It's ok. Granny loves being here. She gets to play with her grand baby. She loves it. And order is restored. Life goes on. And in a few weeks I'll need help again. And it's ok.

Make your bed

I thrive in a clean well organized home. My mind is less cluttered and chaotic when my environment is organized and clean. I have found lately that to battle my depression I must start with a clean home. I found this blog post about why she keep her home clean and it just makes sense. http://www.livingwellspendingless.com/2012/02/15/why-i-make-my-bed-10-reasons-i-keep-my-house-clean/

Not only does keeping my house clean help but keeping me clean helps as well. No matter how awful the day is, if I'm showered and dressed, when I walk past a mirror I don't cringe in disgust and I at least know I look ok. I also make sure I eat healthy, much harder than expected. I lack an appetite currently and just want junk food. Not a pleasant combination. Anyway that's not what this post is about. This is about making your bed.

Keeping a clean home makes everyone happy. Things are easy to find, children play better when they can find there toys and aren't overwhelmed with a zillion toys and junk scattered all over the room, clothes stay nice because they are in laundry baskets and not scattered on the floor getting walked on, and lets face it it looks better. I don't have to worry about being embarrassed by a messy home and so I'm more inclined to invite friends over. Here are a few things I do to keep the house clean. 

1. Make the bed. Even if the rest of the room is trashed this helps create a balanced center and makes it look a little nicer.

2. Keep the counter clean. Dishwashers are a fabulous invention. Not only do the wash your dishes for you but they can hold all the dirty dishes out of sight and keep the kitchen looking clean. And run it every night and empty it in the morning.

3. Clean the sink. Water spots look dirty. At night I wipe down the sink with Clorox wipes and during the day I keep a clean towel handy to wipe out the water and keep the sink sparkly as long as possible.

4. Spot sweep daily. We live in the desert. It is made of dirt and sand. It gets everywhere. I do a quick sweep once a day and weekly I do a more thorough sweep and mop.

5. Have the kids pick up their own messes. Even a one year old and pick up their toys. They got them out right? Usually right before snacks and meals we pick up toys and then again before bed. I also have them make their beds and put clothes in the laundry. 

6. Expect set backs and bad days. Sometimes at the end of a particularly rough day the dishes haven't been washed and some toys are still out. Life happens. Do a real quick clean and call it a night. Don't go to bed with a completely chaotic house, you'll thank me in the morning. But don't spend more than 15 minutes cleaning. Lets face it you're exhausted and want to collapse in bed, so be quick and hide in bed with a bowl of ice cream if you need it. 

7. Invest in Clorox wipes. Or whatever brand you prefer. I use them for everything. I wipe down counters, chairs, toys, the floor around the toilet, even water spots on the mirrors and sinks. 

8. One load at a time everyday. Of laundry that is. From start to finish. Don't start another until you've folded and put away the first. This way clothes don't get moldy sitting in the wash all day because everyone had meltdowns and forgot and they don't sit in the dryer getting wrinkled.

9. Vacuum weekly. Or twice or three times. The point is, don't let the floor get gross. If its starting to look dirty whip out the vacuum. Get the kids involved and make it a game, we all were chased by the vacuum and loved it. We also sat on the couch with our feet in the air while the vacuum ran underneath. If the kids are big enough have them vacuum. They love to be helpful. 

10. Clean the bathroom daily. After everyone is ready, take your trusty Clorox wipes and a rag and clean the bathroom. Wipe down the sink with your rag, it will now be slightly damp, use it to get rid of any sloppy toothpaste marks, the fold the toothpaste inside and wipe up the floor. If you have girls you know why, hair gets everywhere. Use the Clorox wipes to wipe off the mirror and countertop. Then another to wipe up the toilet and the floor around it, boys aim isn't never amazing. Even grown boys miss. Spray down the shower with your choice of cleaner. Swish out the toilet with a brush and pat yourself on the back. It's clean and company ready. Once or twice a month I do a more thorough clean and wash rugs  and mop. 

Now I'm not perfect. I have a newborn. Crap happens and sometimes I need a little help from the relief squad, aka the hubby. Sometimes I don't get the house completely clean but it tends to stay a 5 minute quick clean away from company ready, most days. As long as you are consistent you can make it work for you and housework doesn't have to be a chore. Climbing into a nicely made bed is relaxing and we all know we need a good nights rest. So, if all else fails, at least make the bed.

What are your tricks to a clean home?

I fall in love all over again and then I cry

5 days late the second love of my life arrived. Labor was long and stressful and my birth plan of all natural and drug free was thrown out the window on day 2. I took the drugs and am so thankful I did. After the epidural I was able to sleep and relax. The pitocin I had to have to progress my contractions still saddens me but my son arrived healthy and safely April 23rd at 3:07 pm. He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 oz and was 20 inches long. He is perfect and has saved me. I miss being pregnant but when I hold my beautiful baby I forget that. Most days. Sometimes he's a little cranky, but then it passes and he smiles at me and pats my neck while he eats and once again all is well.
I was warned about the dangers of postpartum depression and I laughed at the thought. That won't happen to me. Ha! It seems to jump out and  bite when least expected. A little background, Hubby and I started the process to become foster parents when it seemed like adoption wasn't working out and pregnancy would never happen. Well, we signed up for classes and lo and behold guess who ends  up pregnant? We decided to go for it and get our license. We went through the classes and I struggled through a very sick and uncomfortable pregnancy and finally we finished. We received our license just a week after the little man made his appearance. We took in a respite care right away. Respite is essentially baby sitting a child in the system. It worked out fine, she was sweet and the weekend went off without a hitch. I decided to give it a few weeks before taking a placement, so I asked for our file to be put on hold. In theory being put on hold should stop the phone calls asking to place a child. The first 5 phone calls I was able to say no, we're not ready. Then I received another call and was starting to feel a little bullied and so I finally said yes. We took a placement. 3 days later I had to call and have him transferred out. My depression had hit me square between the eyes. I couldn't function to take care of the boys. My world came crashing down. It was awful. The worst part about the decision to disrupt our placement isn't the sadness of the foster child's situation or even my struggle to survive but the look of sadness upon my husbands face when I made the call. He is so sweet natured and loves so purely that watching him grieve the loss of our first placement almost makes me want to say never mind, I can deal. And then I remember that if I lose me I can't take care of anyone else. If you ever want to feel like a complete and total failure, disappoint your husband and let the depression wash over you. Man oh man it's ugly.
I'm still struggling to pull myself together. I still start each day not wanting to function but I remember that my son is depending on me. I go back to my ob this week so maybe he can suggest something to help me out of this black hole.
Have you ever suffered from postpartum depression or baby blues? What did you do to get over it? I need all the help I can get right now.

20 acres to grow

My husband, in his infinite wisdom, bought a 20 acre spread shortly after he moved here instead of starting his bachelorhood and college career in a typical guy 1 bedroom apartment. He put up some fencing and brought his two horses over from his parents and called it done. After only a year or so of him living here, we met and soon tied the knot. Lucky for me he not only bought property but he had already set up a 3 bedroom "manufactured" home, lets face reality here, it's a double wide trailer. It had wheels, it's a trailer. But let me tell you, it's a beautiful home and I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.
Like most of southern Arizona our property is dry and dusty and full of tumble weeds. Slowly but surely I'm turning it green. Last summer I planted grass in the front yard. It's a tiny little plot of grass but it gives me joy to sit on the front porch and see something green. Last fall I planted 2 fig trees in the backyard by the goat pen. They are growing beautifully and hopefully we'll have a nice batch of figs this fall, if only I can keep the darn chickens from eating all the figs! This spring, as in 2 weeks ago, I planted a garden. I love fresh vegetables and have always enjoyed vegetable from my parents garden. Finally I was able get my garden started. I love it! Already my corn has sprouted and the tomatoes, peppers and strawberries are putting off pretty new growth. I'm so looking forward to fresh salads and canning homemade salsa and spaghetti sauce and much much more.
The eventual plan for our little piece of heaven on earth will be to put in about 15 acres of permanent pasture for the horses, goats, and some day a beef cow or two. Plant a tree line (fruit trees of course) to block the view of the neighbors junk piles, plant a lawn in the backyard and of course raise lots of kids to love and help with chores of course.
So far we've checked one kid off the list, almost anyways. Two(ish) more weeks, and we'll be welcoming our first child and the fun will really begin.
The tree line goes in this fall! We hope :/ Hopefully getting the water lines in place won't break the bank and I'll at least be able to put in 6 or so. I'm thinking of starting with peaches and plums, what would you plant first?

Write it down

I like lists. Just ask my husband. I make multiple shopping lists, even drafts of shopping lists. I like to make packing lists, chore lists, goal lists, pantry inventory lists. It's a compulsion. Usually my lists end up lost in the never ending shuffle of piles of papers I just can't seem to get filed or just thrown in the trash where they belong.
So in honor of my list making compulsion I've decided to dedicate a blog to it. And not just my never ending list that somehow always includes "fold the laundry" and "mop the kitchen floor." I'd like to take you into my world of list making and then tell you how I check things off said lists.
My hope and goal is that it will inspire you (ok in reality just me) to keep a record of the things I do and how I live my life to the fullest.